You Are Dating All Wrong
I borrowed the headline from Seth Stephens-Davidowitz’s brilliant self-help book based entirely on data science – Don’t Trust Your Gut. In fact, much of what follows, I owe to his book, and path-breaking study done by eminent relationship specialists, Samantha Joel and Paul Eastwick.
This is how dating typically works:
You start with looks. Then, look at height. Followed by other physical features – walk, smile, and build in the case of men, and figure in the case of women.
If looks meet your eye, you turn to occupation – profession, his (her) organization, income, wealth, and education.
You chat with each other.
What do you chat about?
You make small talk. About movies, music, interests, hobbies, books, and places you have visited.
Chatting in some cases leads to meeting in person. Data suggests chances are low – barely 1 in 10.
If the first date goes well, a second one follows. The probability of a second date is 1 in 3, dating apps data suggest.
Assume all goes well, and more dates follow. You meet each other again. And again.
Two outcomes are imminent: a break-up, a lasting relationship, or marriage.
Break-ups could be painful, but they are good in the long run. However, the time invested in your date is down the drain. You have to start over.
The increasing divorce rate indicates many couples regret they married each other. They discover the painful truth – they aren’t made for each other.
A tad too late, unfortunately.
But it can be avoided.
By dating right.
How?
By starting with the character.
Samantha Joel and Paul Eastwick’s study covering 11,196 couples and 43 different studies, proves that a couple’s character is the best predictor of how well, and far, their relationship would go. Looks, occupation personality, likes and dislikes, don’t matter. None at all.
The good news is that you can figure out character compatibility within half an hour.
By taking a few psychometric tests.
The results are fairly accurate. They indicate how likely you are to have a happy, lasting relationship.
Here they are:
How satisfied are you with your life? If your satisfaction level with life is low, you are likely to be unsatisfied in your relationship as well.
Mindset. We have beliefs and ideas. How open are we to embracing change, to accepting new ideas or beliefs? Openness indicates a growth mindset. Those with a growth mindset have fewer conflicts and accommodate each other’s views, feelings, and thoughts.
Conscientiousness. The critical pillar of a relationship is commitment. Lack of commitment, even perceived, spells the death knell to the greatest of relationships. Conscientious persons are reliable, committed, and honest. They are considerate, invariably placing their partner’s interest over their own. Integrity is at the core of their character.
Attachment style. Were you fortunate enough to have a secure upbringing? Without any upheaval or disruption? If your answer is affirmative, you most likely that you have a secure attachment style. You would find it easy to get along with people, make and keep relationships comfortably, and enjoy intimacy.
A positive score on all these counts assures you of a happy and fulfilling relationship. All you need to do is find a partner who scores positively on these character traits. Otherwise, the relationship could feel like an endless compromise, full of mutual adjustments.
If your romantic partner is unwilling or uncomfortable about taking these tests, consider that a red flag. It indicates a fixed mindset. Move on. No matter how attractive, wealthy, or successful your potential romantic partner might be. It’s unlikely you would experience lasting happiness with each other.
In case you score negatively on these character traits, there is good news. You can work on yourself. Improve and strengthen your character shortcomings. A few months of investment in your character could set you on a lifelong journey of joy and happiness.
